Gifts For The Next Chapter

By Kris Wood, Guest Contributing Writer

Seated by the campfire, I recognized the book I had in hand was no ordinary book. In fact, I see it as one of the most impactful books I’ve ever read. 

I breathe in the cool mountain air, pause to listen to the geese take flight, and glance once more to the hill where my neighbor for the afternoon, a weathered-looking moose, finally disappeared into the trees. 

I am aware of being blessed with tremendous gifts. One of which is this book entitled “Final Gifts: Understanding the Special Awareness, Needs and Communications of the Dying” by hospice nurses, Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley.  

My journey into “Final Gifts'' began in late January when my father was hospitalized. While he had experienced several instances of death-defying hospitalizations over the past decade, this one felt different. He’d recently dreamt of visiting the Pearly Gates where he was told by St. Peter that despite his pain and readiness, his name was not in the book...yet. The dream lent credibility to this feeling. 

A fall in his weakened state sent him to a second specialized hospital, prompting an immediate need for me to schedule a flight to return to my parents’ side. Having made the flight arrangements on that Sunday evening, I went to work on Monday morning aiming to complete as many things as possible. 

Two hours before I’d planned to leave work, I received a text from a dear friend who had lost her father nearly 2 years prior. She reached out, insisting that she HAD to pass along a book entitled Final Gifts, which she found helpful during her dad‘s transition. 

Having yet to have personally experienced anyone really close to me passing, I welcomed the book and any insights it may provide. I started reading the book on the flight but given the short trip duration, I was only a few chapters in upon my arrival. Looking back, little did I know how profound it would be not only for me but for my mother and brother as the days went on.

My dad had originally been in the VA hospital which was on a Covid lockdown… meaning no visitors. But when the fall happened, the hospital he was transferred to allowed one visitor a day. We considered this a huge blessing. 

Because my mom had been able to spend Monday and Tuesday with my dad, I planned to spend Wednesday with him. I arrived with the book in tow and settled into a bit of a routine. He’d sleep for a couple of hours, wake up and we’d talk and then he’d sleep again. During these lulls, I read the insights and wisdom the two hospice nurse authors had gathered after years of supporting the dying. 

In particular, I recall reading a chapter about the importance of asking questions and not shying away from talking about dying. So, whenever my dad woke up, I’d ask a question. What followed were heartfelt exchanges of stories, regrets, apologies, and even laughter. I couldn’t believe how good it felt to sit there with him amid his circumstance and talk like this. As the book notes: 

“Dying people need the company of those who will listen, those willing to understand their situation, those who continue to offer love and friendship in the face of death.” 

Another insight from the book that had a profound impact on us…

“The dying often use the metaphor of travel to alert those around them that it is time for them to die. They attempt to share this information by using symbolic language to indicate preparation for a journey…Their attempts to share information may be very clear and direct. On the other hand, some may be so vague and subtle that others miss or ignore them, or label such messages as confused.”

A couple of days later, my dad was so weak, that he couldn’t turn himself over or even lift his arm. But late that morning we received a phone call from him! He told us he was being released and coming home! He began sharing a list of things he needed … a pair of pants, shoes, his Air Force hat, an extra blanket in case he got cold, etc. 

Needless to say, we were all flabbergasted! ‘How could they be considering releasing him??’ We immediately called the nurse’s station and were informed that no such plans had been shared with them. Since the doctor was scheduled to call within a couple of hours, we decided my dad must be confused and to wait for the call as opposed to gathering the items he asked for and taking them to the hospital. (During this episode, he was back at the VA hospital and once again, under Covid visitor lockdown restrictions.) 

A short time later, he called again and told us to hurry! As torn as we were, we once again decided to wait for the doctor's call but started getting ready to leave, just in case. Minutes later it dawned on me that another example had appeared in the book. I ran out and told my mother and brother that it was happening again… another insight from the book was unfolding before us! Namely, dad was signaling to us his need to prepare for travel, In other words, he was telling us what he needed to feel ready to go. So we quickly gathered the items he requested and drove to the hospital. 

As my brother had just arrived the night before from out of state, we requested an exception to the visitor restrictions so he could see our father. Gratefully, our request was granted due to the perfect person being available just as we arrived!  That afternoon after the doctor’s call, we acknowledged the obvious. So my dad was put on Hospice status. This meant they’d now allow one of us to visit at a time during normal visiting hours. 

During that evening and the following day, we were able to share with my dad that we had brought everything he asked for and that he was ready for his journey. We let him know that we understood he needed to go, and assured him we would all take care of each other and be okay, especially my mom. My dad passed peacefully in his sleep within hours of the last visit. 

Having had no personal experience with death before, I can only imagine how much I/we would have missed, good intentions aside, from those final days had it not been for this book.  Final Gifts changed how I entered the setting, how I moved through it; what I heard, did, and said; how I perceived what happened and how it unfolded for my family. This book gave me the gift of a lifetime that I will forever cherish — a conscious, authentic, open, and loving brush with death. I intimately felt its lovely and natural presence. I’m so grateful I was there for it! 

Whether you’ve already experienced the death of loved ones or are having your first encounter, Final Gifts is an absolute must-read!  My mother was so moved by it that she decided to keep the book to read after my brother and I returned home.  My brother decided to purchase the audiobook as he has had many brushes with death and felt it could help him make peace with some of his past experiences. 

Final Gifts was such an inspirational read, not heavy and heartbreaking as one might imagine. It filled me with awe and gratitude for the authors’ courage to share such experiences and insights.   

A Postscript Gift

My son and I returned to Iowa a couple of weekends ago to help my mom sort through my dad‘s things during what would have been their 56th wedding anniversary together. In fact, we made plans to go to the restaurant they probably would’ve gone to for their celebration. It felt like a healing way to commemorate this ending of their life together. 

I called the morning of their anniversary and asked for a reservation for three people at 6:30 pm. When I was told they were booked solid for the night and didn’t take names for a waitlist, I was greatly disappointed. This development felt incredibly out of sync with the intention of our trip and for this dinner. 

So we grudgingly switched gears and decided to go elsewhere. But the discontent I felt would not abate. So, at 5:30 pm, I called back and asked if there was any way to get three people in that evening. (I gave no other details.) I was then told that they just had a cancellation for three at 6:30 pm. Coincidence? Serendipity? Or my father‘s presence supporting us in closing this chapter of our lives? After the many miracles I witnessed during this time, I have no doubt it was the latter.