My “Bad Feminist” Reflections For Good

By Kris Wood, Guest Columnist

Let me start by saying, I LOVE Roxane Gay!  In her collection of essays entitled “Bad Feminist”, she is unabashedly authentic, which is the apex of joy in reading her work. The contradictions reflected in her beliefs, pleasures, experiences, and expectations are a balm to the soul as she seeks clarity, commitment, and meaning.  

She...

…..is beautifully articulate and cuts to the bone about life and how it often presents itself in contradictory ways. 

…...enjoys singing along to hip-hop tunes while abhorring the lyrics.  

…...embraces the feminine ideals of equality and inalienable rights yet, at times, wants someone to take care of her.   

…..has forged a unique path within her relationships, oftentimes eschewing traditional roles but yet yearning for a family and child.  

…..recognizes and applauds progress in the entertainment industry for finally representing diversity and life experiences beyond that of the white perspective. However, she laments the need to be shackled by outdated, tired black stereotypes such as the maid, criminal, or wise-cracking sidekick.  

…. is a mishmash of contradictions, but we all are.  THAT’s the secret sauce here…that simple reminder!

One of the first things you learn about Roxane Gay in reading her introductory section in Bad Feminist is that she is a badass Scrabble player!  I literally laughed out loud while reading about her induction into the competitive world of Scrabble and the learning curve that ensued. Her wit in retelling the stories of tournaments played, hard battles won, and lost will have you wanting to join a team just for the chance to sit across a board from her and all of her pink Scrabble paraphernalia!

Suggestion:

Be sure to read the footnotes, lots of smiles and good information to be had there.

The next section of the essays discusses topics such as a woman’s right to reproductive freedom, racial profiling, the “normalizing” of abuse to gain fleeting moments of love/attention, and the acceptance of rape as part of our culture.  No topic is too “taboo” which is refreshing in its recognition of the importance of boundaries as well as the importance of moving past them.  

Speaking to the learned acceptance of the contrary aspects of life, Roxane Gay offers her readers a relief…a reminder that there can be truth, love, and heartbreak in both sides of a coin.  All these “opposing” ideals/needs can be present concomitantly instead of being viewed from an either/or perspective.  

These often conflicting beliefs exist in each of us.  Ms. Gay reminds me that it is not only okay for this to be true, but it’s most likely an incredibly common trait and one we can embrace, rather than hide.  For me, that is an important reminder.  

Maybe we’re all straddling a fence and feeling like we cannot speak out or speak up because we don’t have it all figured out…because our words and actions don’t always align.  Maybe, this is what it means to “live a life”??  To witness that which saddens or infuriates us, only to be unsure as to how to engage in a way that allows us to step out of the cycle of consent, complacency, or confrontation.

Says Gay in an excerpt from her book:

“I embrace the label of bad feminist because I am human.  I am messy.  I’m not trying to be an example.  I am not trying to be perfect.  I am not trying to say I have all the answers.  I am not trying to say I’m right.  I am just trying to support what I believe in, trying to do some good in this world, trying to make some noise with my writing while also being myself.”

I love how through her writing, it seems that Roxane Gay became Roxane Gay’s best therapist.  Her willingness to share the complexities of “successful” living…the need to learn, change, accept and even embrace all of its messiness and missteps instills a quiet motivation.   

She invites and welcomes uncertainty as a demonstration of an ever-evolving and consistently conflicting show of maturity.  But, of course, that doesn’t mean one shouldn’t strive for and appreciate the calm when it comes. We’re living these lives for those moments too!!