A Book For Men Seeking To Better Understand Themselves.

...And For Women Who Want To Better Understand Men

They were neighbors of mine in the Chicago suburb of Lisle, Illinois back in the 90s. They seemed like the perfect couple — He, tall, handsome, and career successful. She — highly intelligent, independent, and highly aspirational.

They were married for about a year. And then it was gone. My first indication that something was amiss was when I crossed paths with Mark one morning as I was headed out to work. He was busily carrying boxes from his apartment to his car. “Is everything OK,” I softly said to him as I was unlocking my car. “Nope,” he tersely responded. “I’m outta here!” 

Weeks later I saw Kate laying out at the pool taking in the sun. “Hey, Kate. How are you? So sorry to hear about you and Mark.” With a rather confused look on her face, she responded, “Yep, I never could quite get my arms around who this person was in Mark’s body.” 

For whatever reason, Kate’s comment sat with me for years. And unconsciously, it became the impetus for me to take a hard long look at who I was as a man. 

Years later, a friend of mine recommended a book to me while on a quest to better understand himself. And I can honestly say that I’ve learned more about myself from it than any other. I read it every year, cover to cover. 

The book is called The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire. It’s a book I’ve recommended to other men who are committed to doing deep work on themselves. And I’ve also recommended it to scores of women, who like Kate struggle to understand the men they are with. 

The author David Deida is in my view a highly evolved man who has obviously done his inner work. Considered one of the most insightful wisdom masters of our time, Deida continues to offer relevant insights into how men and women grow spiritually and sexually. 

In an excerpt from “The Way of the Superior Man,” Dieda had this to say: 

“ This book is a guide for a specific kind of newly evolving man. This man is unabashedly masculine—he is purposeful, confident, and directed, living his chosen way of life with deep integrity and humor—and he is sensitive, spontaneous, and spiritually alive, with a heart commitment to discovering and living his deepest truth.” 

His admonition to men is captured in this brief thought

“Stop waiting. Feel everything. Love achingly. Give impeccably. Let go.”

At the heart of a man’s journey, says Deida is a man’s meaning and purpose. This, he asserts, “is the priority of the masculine, whereas the search for love is the priority of the feminine.” In a rather humorous refrain, Deida had this to say about why men have such a rabid connection with sports. 

“This is why people with masculine essences would rather watch a football game or boxing match on TV than a love story. Sports are all about achieving freedom, such as by breaking free of your opponent’s tackle or barrage of punches, and about succeeding at your mission, by carrying the ball into the end zone or remaining standing after ten rounds. For the masculine, mission, competition, and putting it all on the line (indeed, facing death), are all forms of ecstasy.” 

His message to men: 

“You may not know your mission, but unless you discover this deep purpose and live it fully, your life will feel empty at its core, even if your intimate relationship and family life are full of love.” 

In 1996, my Dad passed away unexpectedly from a heart attack in London, England. As I was emerging from my grief, a friend of mine over lunch offered me a piece of wisdom that has stuck with me to this day.

“A man doesn’t become a true man until his Dad dies”

It wasn’t until I read this in Deida’s book that I got the true message of what had been shared with me by this friend. Deida said: 

“A man must love his father and yet be free of his father’s expectations and criticisms in order to be a free man.” 

With respect to relationships, I have learned over time to heed this advice from Deida: 

“You should always listen to your woman, and then make your own decision. If you choose to go with your woman’s suggestion even when deep in your heart you feel that another decision is more wise, you are, in effect, saying, “I don’t trust my own wisdom.” You are weakening yourself by telling yourself this. You are weakening your woman’s trust in you: why should she trust your wisdom if you don’t?” 

Here’s one final capstone to what’s shared in “Way of a Superior Man” that men would be wise to consider in their relationships with women: 

“Every man knows that his highest purpose in life cannot be reduced to any particular relationship. If a man prioritizes his relationship over his highest purpose, he weakens himself, disserves the universe, and cheats his woman of an authentic man who can offer her full, undivided presence.”

An Invitation From Diamond-Michael Scott:

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