When Women Become “Untamed”
By Kris Wood, Guest Contributor
Below are a few of my thoughts and reflections on the New York Times Bestselling book “Untamed.” Filled with incredible insights on what it means to be a woman today, it offers a deeply moving read in celebration of International Women’s Day (March 8th) and beyond.
On Discovering The Book “Untamed”
I love the journey of stumbling upon a new book, particularly when it’s the ideal read at the perfect time. For me, the serendipity of crossing paths with Untamed is such a fun story! Late last year I placed about a dozen books on the waiting list at my neighborhood library with the notion that what I needed to read next would present itself. When I arrived at the library to pick up one of the on-hold books, I perused the new book section and noticed Untamed by Glennon Doyle.
The cover of the book looked familiar so I assumed it was one I’d recently placed on my To Read list. So I picked it up as well. And what a surprise it has turned out to be! Once I arrived home and started reading, I discovered that it was a memoir of a female author’s journey of self-discovery and acceptance.
On Glennon Doyle
I had not heard of her before picking up this amazing memoir. Her history and journey as an author/speaker/human were all a wonderful part of my discovery of her and the wild honesty she embodies throughout Untamed.
On Untamed’s Theme
Untamed follows Glennon’s journey from a sensitive child to a bulimic pre-teen, to an addict, to mother and wife, to being a Christian mommy blogger, to a woman in her 40’s faced with the unexpected discovery that her world was largely one not so much of her choosing but instead, one that society expected of her. The moment Olympic Starr Abby Wambach, her future wife, walked into Glennon’s life, her awareness of the Self she had unknowingly denied most of her life exploded.
Untamed shares Glennon’s deconstruction of her life and the authentic and vulnerable way she rebuilt it with her new partner, ex-husband, children, extended family, and community. Published in 2020, it also taps into relevant events in our lives and the issues facing our nation and world.
On Surprise Discoveries While Reading It
The book itself was a surprise as was my reaction to it because so much of Glennon’s story deeply resonated with me! As I read, I found myself sending short excerpts and then full pages to women in my life who I knew would identify with various passages in the book. I began to reflect upon times in my life when I was more “untamed” or “tamed” and the influences that shaped who I have become today.
On My Own Early Upbringing
My childhood in the 70s and 80s was most definitely a time of being “tamed” as is probably the case with most of my generation. I remember watching women gather in the kitchen, working hard at preparing meals while the men sat in the living room watching football. I remember thinking that this was a horrible unfairness and decided I was not going to be domesticated by marriage or family.
The inequities seemed stacked in the men’s favor, whose primary responsibility appeared to be to hold down a job, while most of the home and family’s needs were placed upon the shoulders of women. I took the stance early on that I would author my own life and forego the expectations of serving up my body, mind, and soul to the demands of being a wife and mother.
A “Me Untamed 20s” shot taken during a photography lighting class at Denver Darkroom
On Becoming Untamed
Consequently, my 20’s were largely about “untaming” myself as I dived into the world around me. Having been raised in a military family, the power structure within our family was clear and the rules were strict. So, when I moved out of my parent’s home, I fully immersed myself in finding my own voice and beliefs. The decade that followed was a fun, educational, and adventurous time that encompassed moving out of state on my own, embracing Eastern philosophies, immersions into nature and thrill-seeking activities, releasing my tomboy-ness and discovering my feminine self through dating, clothes, and the influences of a diverse group of women friends.
The “Me Untamed 20’s” Jeep shot with my dream vehicle, called Tiger
On Becoming Re-Tamed
It wasn’t until my 30’s that my re-taming began. Having never wavered in my decision to forego marriage and children, my on and off partner of 14 years completely threw me for a loop one night by proposing marriage. I was so unprepared that at first, I didn’t understand what was actually happening! But as I considered what I thought I knew about myself and the trust I had in his intelligence, commitment, and spirituality, I decided he knew best and I said YES!
It’s a decision I will never regret as it also led to my becoming the mother of an incredible, gifted, and wise son, who has been one of my greatest teachers since his conception. However, with my very limited knowledge of childrearing, I quickly fell into the age-old beliefs of selflessness and the responsibility of motherhood in taking care of everyone without real thought or concern for oneself. I spent most of my 40’s placing arduous expectations on myself which far outweighed those anyone else placed upon me. I HAD to be a great mom, lead by example at all times, control as many variables as possible in my son’s growth, constantly give of myself regardless of my needs/energy/interests as that was the responsibility I had signed up for when having a child, right?!
On What Would Glennon Say
Not so! Glennon shares...
“What I hear from women so often is this ingrained idea that what they want, at their deepest, is at odds with what their people need…“I can’t do this because of my kids; I can’t do this because of my husband.” We’ve been trained to believe that what is true and beautiful for us—if we choose it—will make us selfish. There’s this whole martyrdom idea that we think somehow makes us good mothers….I think it makes us really irresponsible mothers. Because what we’re doing is raising children who then repeat that pattern, and nobody gets to live.”
Intuitively, I know this is true but seeing it written by another mother who held these rigid beliefs as well was freeing in a way. In fact, it was very validating. Glennon points out ways in which our patriarchal society drills this mentality into our psyches and sets women up to be controlled and stymied in their inner Self’s emergence.
“Women are taught to not honor our own bodies, curiosity, hunger, judgment, experience, or ambition. Instead, we lock away our true selves, and those who are best at this disappearing act earn the highest praise: She is so selfless. Can you imagine? The epitome of womanhood is to lose one’s self completely. That is the end goal of every patriarchal culture. Because a very effective way to control women is to convince women to control themselves.”
On What I’ve Learned
Gratefully, in recent years, I began discovering this truth on my own and letting go of the martyr syndrome I had so readily espoused. I started, once again, untaming myself. Now in my early 50’s, I have spent more time delving into ME…my needs, wants, and what fills my soul. I have created healthier boundaries with family, made alone time a priority, delved into creative and mindful activities such as gardening, meditation, photography, and art. Started solo camping and taking trips with girlfriends in addition to camping trips with my husband and son.
I am also making better choices around diet and self-care with regular massage, chiropractic, acupuncture, and bio-energetic healing. But I think the most significant shifts in my Be-ing is the lessening of self-flagellation and the need for control. Instead, I’m working on stepping aside to allow the Universe to unfold as it will, accepting what IS, and giving myself a break by recognizing I am a flawed human, doing my best, and ultimately Knowing that all is well! My son witnesses my Joy in the endeavors that quicken my heart which serves our entire family but doesn’t make me selfish. How’s that for a grand life lesson for a mom to provide?!
This “Me Untaming at 50” photo was taken during one of my solo camping trips
On Who Would Value From This Book
I wish for every woman to read this book as I believe most would relate to something Glennon touches upon. Mothers, daughters, teens, and young adults trying to find their place in their world. Activists, those in Queer communities, women suffering under religious dogma, and more. Truly, anyone experiencing a “power over” dynamic within a relationship could find inspiration and insight within the covers of this book.
Glennon Doyle touches upon many topics, some that will resonate deeply, others that may not. But there are MANY gems for all of us here. Upon completion of this wonderful book, I texted a picture of its cover to at least a couple dozen friends and colleagues recommending it as a must-read. Then, I realized a review of this inspiring read would be a great way to further the liberation and validation so that many more can benefit from reading Untamed.
On My Biggest Takeaway From The Book
The human experience is a common one and an opportunity to be reminded that the beliefs, images, and societal constructs that hold us back from forging our own way and honoring Self, are a great thing! This book shares all kinds of fears, joy, ideas, and actions that support delving into oneself for guidance and authentic living!
Glennon says it so well…
“I am beginning to unlearn what I used to believe about control and love. Now I think that maybe control is not love. I think that control might actually be the opposite of love because control leaves no room for trust – and maybe love without trust is not love at all…Maybe my role with the people I love is not imagining the truest, most beautiful life for them and then pushing them toward it. Maybe I’m just supposed to ask what they feel and know and imagine. And then, no matter how different their unseen order is from mine, ask what I can do to support their vision…Maybe if love is not a little scary and out of our control, then it is not love at all.”
To see love and control in such a way benefits not only those around me, but it frees me to continue searching for all the fulfillment and challenges that further my growth as a woman in my roles of wife, mother, employer, friend, and human being. Happening upon this book was such a gift of insight and wisdom, particularly at this time in my life! It’ll be interesting to read it again in years to come to see what impact it has had.
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Bonus Note:
Glennon touches on so many issues including racial injustice, the whitewashed version of American history, the intersection between faith/religion to living an authentic life and leaning into the hard stuff of life rather than numbing out to it. I find myself curious about all of this and am eager to dive into other histories that reflect these deeper aspects of life.
It is with this that I conclude with a few additional books I’m reading or have on my “To Read” list…
Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser
Cassandra Speaks also by Elizabeth Lesser
Know My Name by Chanel Miller
Bad Feminist by Roxanne Gay
Everything Happens for a Reason by Kate Bowler
Native by Kaitlin B Curtice
I’m Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness by Austin Channing Brown
The Book of Longings by Sue Monk Kidd