Why I’m Swinging The Pendulum Towards a Bigger Life

And You Should Too

The message of Alan Stein’s book “Sustain Your Game” is that we are all in construction mode, a work in progress, and constantly evolving. He explores how easy it is to get stuck in fear-based narratives that keep us stuck and thinking small. 

This was my sentiment prior to June 30th when I left my position as part-time Senior Editor for a blockchain and crypto publication out of New York. While grateful for the opportunity, one that showed up in my lap during the height of the pandemic, the thrill of it had run its course. 

To sketch out a roadmap for my next 10 years, I have been drawn to the work of Dr. Benjamin Hardy who is an organizational psychologist, author, and the leading authority on what he calls Future Self science. As a huge fan of his books which have sold hundreds of thousands of copies, I’ve had the good fortune of corresponding with him by phone and messaging. 

I am currently reading his latest oeuvre Be Your Future Self Now: The Science of Intentional Transformation and I am finding it full of rivers of gold for this period of life expansion I am experiencing. 

In it, Dr. Hardy extolls the importance of imaging the person you want to be and then embodying the essence of that person in the present. He says that when you do this, “your imagined FUTURE directs your behavior, rather than your past.” 

Expanding upon this Future-Self concept, Dr. Hardy has this to add: 

“… it’s literally the answer to all of your life’s questions. It’s the answer to what you’re going to do today. It’s the answer to how motivated you are, and how you feel about yourself. It’s the answer to whether you’ll distract yourself on social media for hours, whether you’ll eat junk food, and what time you get up in the morning.

Your imagined Future-Self is the driver of your current reality. It is up to you to develop the ability to imagine better and more expansive visions of your Future-Self.”

For most of us, says Dr. Hardy, our Future-Self is very limited. But the good news he shares is that “if you seek learning, growth, and new experiences, you’ll be able to imagine a different and better Future-Self than you currently can.”

In slowly making my way through his book, I’ve been reflecting on my own core foundational values and commitment to BEing versus DOing first. BEing for me can best be captured in this way

• Authentically Expressing Who I Am

• Honoring Who I Am Not

• Fully Embracing Who I Hope To Become

It’s this third point where I’ve often found myself off course. Being the present moment guy that I am, I have thought very little, until recently, about my future. 

Dr. Hardy notes: 

“Future is what drives the present, not the other way around.” 

What he appears to be implying is to Start with Future-Self and work backward 

In the spirit of Simon Sinek’s book “Start With Why,” Hardy explains: 

“Knowing the why is the deepest and most powerful form of knowledge because the why is always the driver of the what and how.” 

My WHY is Economic and Lifestyle FREEDOM! What’s yours? 

Having determined this, now the real work begins. That’s when Dr. Hardy’s book sent this wake-up call to my consciousness: 

“All goals or motivations fit within two categories: approach or avoid. The reason for doing anything is either to approach something you want to happen or to avoid something you don’t want to happen. As a rule, 80 percent of people are primarily driven by fear or avoidance, while 20 percent of people are driven by approach and courage.”

In full disclosure, I have spent a good part of my life in the AVOID realm, living life to —- AVOID running out of money; AVOID upsetting others; AVOID pursuing life pursuits that might make me uncomfortable. 

But let me now reveal the BIG elephant in the room for me. Ready?

MY avoidance to date of those things that would allow me a life of total freedom is largely tied to both unconscious and conscious insecurities around being BLACK.

In other words, I spend my waking hours hyper-vigilant about the constant threats facing Black men in America. 

For years, while on the speaking circuit, I loved being on the open road, traveling upwards of 25,000 to 30,000 miles per year by car back in the 90s. That being said, I always recalled being super thoughtful about what exit to pull off whenever needing to stretch, eat, or take care of nature’s calling. The rules were particularly if I had to exit in a small town —- drive 10 miles under the speed limit, stop only in an area where there were others present, and never sleep in my car….. 

By way of example, on I-65, a highway that I frequently took from Indianapolis to Chicago, I always recall encountering this sign. Given Indiana’s racial history, I was never inclined to take the bait, even if my teeth were floating from having to go to the bathroom. 

I mean, seriously. If you were me, which direction would you have headed?

And then there were instances like this that offer a constant reminder of the inherent dangers that Black men, even those who are enlisted face in America

Let’s face it, we all have fears and self limiting beliefs, things that we erect as barriers to living life large. Race just so happens to be mine. 

As Dr. Hardy adds from his book: 

“Being driven by fear is a lower state of consciousness than being driven by courage and vision. Deep emotional development is required to transition beyond fear as your driver to levels of acceptance, courage, and love as reasons for action.” 

What I love about the book “Be Your Future Self Now: The Science of Intentional Transformation” is that it offers an invaluable framework for transcending this race based narrative that I have allowed to restrict my personal expansion and freedom. In a reminder about the importance of focusing on the future, Dr. Hardy in his book adds: 

“Decisions and actions are best when reverse-engineered from a desired outcome. Start with what you want and work backward. Think and act from your goal, rather than toward your goal…..When you’re disconnected with your Future Self, you get caught up in urgent goals that often result in low-quality behavior in the present. For the majority, this is the norm.”

He says that whenever we’re disconnected from our Future Selves, we opt for near immediate goals or dopamine hits. Ahh, that would be me — My safe spots of quotidian existence are coffeehouses and bookstores. 

Back to my fears. I’m reminded of the words of Martin Luther King Jr who when confronted with the ugly stain of racism and bigotry in Civil Rights work once remarked:

“I’d rather die than be afraid.” 

And then there are the words of Dr. Hardy: 

“You own your experiences; they don’t own you. Rather than devaluing your experiences because they were painful, you increase their value by learning more and more from them.” 

In the end, Dr. Hardy’s book exhorts us to go big even if we experience discomfort and failure along the way. In my favorite passage thus far in the book, he adds:

“A massive threat to your Future Self is simply that you’re thinking way too small. Multiply your vision 10-times or 100-times larger. You’ll be forced to understand the principles, rules, and strategies of living at a higher level. Instead of working harder, elevate what you think you can do.” 

Yes, this is a formidable ask of myself but it’s now one that I am willing to embrace, fears and all. 

To be continued.